Forgiveness Pt 2

Over the weekend, Ive gotten a new take on this forgiveness thing, which I need to get out as well.

I have a dad, he lived in our home, we had a family. But it was dysfunctional, like many families, and it ended with my parents getting a divorce.

For years I spent my life doing something I never would have acknowledged I was doing… trying to find that lost love and security that my dad stole from me. A lot of women don’t want to believe that they are doing this, even the one where daddy still lives in the home, hes just emotionally unavailable. Nevertheless ,with each relationship, i would find myself with broken people, trying to make the pieces fit, and afraid to walk away even when it wasn’t working because i was afraid of abandonment. I didn’t want to just leave them, and I didn’t want them to leave me.

Flash forward to this weekend. I had been harboring some unresolved feelings about my hurt and anger caused by my dad, and after a particularly emotional convo with my sister, I went to see him. My Dad, at this point in his life, lives in a nursing home. He has dementia caused by multiple strokes, and poor personal health decisions. None of his other children take an active role in taking care of him except for me. So upon my visit, he began to ask me questions about life and family, and when he asked about my sister I blew up. I told him how much he had hurt us, how we had continually repeated the cycle of abandonment and emotional abuse over and over in our lives. How it had taken me years to pull it together, how my sister and I were hurting. It was an anger filled moment of truth, and I sat there waiting for him to say something in return.

I had hoped that he would weep, and cry out in apology, perhaps turn to God and ask for forgiveness, or simply just explain, or say that he wished he had done something different.

But instead he just said… I’m sorry.

THAT WAS IT!! I was furious. We got distracted by a phone call from  a family member, a nurse came in the room to check his vitals, my son dragged us into a conversation about planes. But I was determined to get back to this conversation… UNTIL

My dad looked at me ever so pleasantly and says “so hows your sister doing?”

20 minuets.. he had forgotten the entire emotional rant. the apology. everything

” shes fine dad. Everyone is doing OK.”

“Well tell her that I love her and to come see me some time”

“I will”

A few hours later as i sat thinking about the days events and planning for the next, I burst out into laughter and tears at the same time. You see, my father had taught me something today with out even realizing it.

Forgetting has to happen to be free from the past, and move into your future.

Now sure, he didn’t intentionally forget, but my father has a freedom that many of us can choose to have and we don’t. The gift of forget!! Unlike my Dad, who forgets the things he want to remember as well as the things he doesn’t, We have a choice to decide what we want to rid out memory of. And yet many of us choose to hold on to things that DRAG US DOWN in the name of protection. WHY? Its not working, and if anything it feeds the perpetual cycle of Shame-Guilt. We are ashamed that we haven’t gotten past these insecurities and thus begin to feel guilty ad undeserving of better in our lives.

Its time to move on. Simple as that

And thus the old saying finally makes sense

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person

 

 

The List

Okay, so every woman of American decent ( bc I don’t have a clue what they do on the other side of the world) has at some point in time heard about the list. All of us have at some point in time made the list, and Have at least once shared a few points on it with your girlfriends. We’ve watched TV shows about the list, often times warning us that  the things on it will undoubtedly leave us destitute with cats, never married and having had no children. And yet many of us swear by it. Setting our potential mates on a slippery slope and our relationships at “future failure” status if this person doesn’t meet the requirements in our head.

By now I’m sure you’ve figured out that I’m talking about the proverbial LIST of things you require in a mate.

My first interaction about the list came from watching Kameelah from the Real world in the 90’s talk about the 200 things a man must have in order to be the one. At the time I was a teenager. so you know I went into my little pink Diary and made my first list. Its was pretty short at first.

Must be black                                   Must not pick on me

must be nice                                       must be a good kisser

must be tall                                         can’t be no punk

must be smart                                   plays a sport/has a talent

Gradually, my 13-year-old self began to revise the list with life experience. As I went to college, I discovered that other women in my cohort also had lists much more ridiculous than mine. but I learned from my socialization that perhaps I should want more out a man besides being a good kisser. So I added a few more.

Must be bigger than me (no skinny guys)       must have a job

must have a car                                 must have goals

must have a college degree/working towards it              sharp dresser

can’t be a cheater                                 nice sized penis

good sense of humor                        no felons                               no kids

not previously married

and over the years I  unfortunately had to add a few more based on experience

must not hit                                   must not disrespect me                         

must not lie                                  must not abandon me

By the time I had hit 25, I could see how the young lady ended up with 200 or more!! I found myself sizing up each guy to my list. Funny thing though, I knew my list was ridiculous so instead of holding them accountable to the list I often found myself making exceptions for THAT guy

Dont judge me for these real stories

“its ok that he has 6 kids spread out across America, and he’s not paying child support. Their mommas don’t understand his situation. He’s a good man and they just want to punish him. Our child will be loved differently because I am better than these other women in his past”

“Its ok, that he’s a felon with no job, and still smokes pot. Black men aren’t given fair treatment when they get back into society. Its my job as a black woman to help build this man into greatness”

“Its ok that he’s emotionally unavailable at times. He’s a great provider, he buys me nice things and takes me on trips, he likes to dress me up and take me to social events because he’s proud of me. Never mind that im not allowed over his house, he speaks mean things to me when he’s frustrated, he’s never expressed pride in my accomplishments,and he doesn’t make our relationship a priority. HE LOVES GOD! ”

It literally took me till I was 30 to realize that the men weren’t the problem. I was! or mainly my list.

You see, what you think will inevitably become manifested. So if your list is wrong the men you meet will be wrong because you’ve set up in your head a set of standards that are going to leave you unfulfilled in that relationship.  Also, I had to learn that my priorities when it comes to relationships was going in the wrong direction.

For me MY FAITH was what had to become the center of everything. My relationship with God has refocused my desire for partnership in a new direction. Thus, that interior (an often on paper) list of things I require Has shortened and changed. What once included things like “must be able to change a tire” has turned into deeper, more meaningful requirements that i feel a woman of God should expect.

in addition to that, I really needed to be honest with myself. Who the hell am I to have a list of things that most people don’t do consistently without questioning if I could make the grade on that mans list of things as well. It really got me to thinking that perhaps all of us, men and women, could rethink the list. I mean sure, we all say we want blow your mind sex… but for those of us who have been sexually active in the past you know that the Blow-your-mind out of this world make a sandwich and do it all over again three times in one night and all day Saturday sex WILL NOT happen each time. we need to think about whats realistic to who we really are, and expect God to do the rest

So here’s my new list. Mind you there’s still a lot of the old me running around in my head, so sometimes i fall back into old patterns. But this right here really makes me put things into perspective.

Amber’s New List ( more like a series of questions)

1. Does this person have a belief system similar to yours and if so, do they practice it? If they don’t what are their views on faith? Can they accept that a relationship with you would require more than visits to church on Easter Sunday and Christmas?

2. Is this person mature enough to be honest with you when they don’t agree AND try hard to speak to you in a way that is respectful of your feelings?

3. Can this man be accountable? not just at work or with his mother. But with his GOD. Can he look at God and acknowledge his faults, bad decisions and poor choices and still keep it moving? Does his accountability translate to you? can he admit to you that he’s wrong and apologize? Can he show you his not so perfect side and still feel like a man?

4. If this person never changed from today could you live with it?

5. When your momma dies, is this person capable of consoling you without making it worse? Can they carry the load of your grief without turning on you or resenting you because they are temporarily not the priority?

6. Is humility to the Creator something you can see in their everyday life?

7.Is this man open to love? Can he accept love from God, can he Give love to the people around him in a balanced way? Can he tell you he loves you and not freak out? And if he never said the words again would you know it through his actions?

8. Is this man honest about, and can he see the beauty in his flaws? Can you deal with them? Can he deal with yours?

9. Does this man respect your talents as an individual? does he see them as an asset to your life together or as something that competes with is own success.

10. Where does intimacy ( physical and emotional) intimacy fall in his priority list?  Can you share without judgement?

11. How does this person interact with your child? your family? is there an attempt to relationship build with the people in your life?

12. Does he understand the concept of loyalty? Is he loyal to you?

There! I feel like this list is more of a check off for me that im getting what I need without rigid boundaries. It allows for growth from myself and the other party without leaving so much room that i can see myself compromising because the man has cute dimples.

 

If i may encourage you to do one thing, that would be to go through each one of those things on your list and ask yourself WHY? why do I want this? What has happened in my past life and upbringing that’s made me want this thing? Is this thing something I am actually ready to handle? and Lastly, would I be willing to give what I am asking for?

I wish I could interview Kameelah at this point in her life and ask her if she managed to find one person that met the 200 things on her list. Good luck and happy Love hunting.